By Nobody 
In an unexpected twist today, Death, often referred to as “The Great Equalizer,” held a spontaneous press conference to clarify some misconceptions about his job description. Dressed in a sleek black robe and looking far less skeletal than we expected, he began by addressing the persistent rumor that his arrival signifies “the end.”
“That’s just bad PR,” Death began, looking slightly irritated. “Everyone acts like I’m the big dramatic finale. Let’s be clear: I’m not the last chapter of a story—more like a commercial break.”
Death’s complaints didn’t stop there. He went on to explain how he’s been unfairly portrayed as the villain in countless stories, movies, and, of course, human minds. “Listen,” he said with a sigh, “you’re all worried about ‘nothing.’ Newsflash: It’s not nothing. It’s more like… let’s call it ‘unlimited potential space.’ Think of it as pausing Netflix before moving on to the next season of your existence. You could end up anywhere. And if it really were nothing? Well, you wouldn’t be around to notice, so what’s the big deal?”
“I mean, come on—being afraid of nothing is literally being afraid of nothing.”
Despite Death’s efforts to reassure the crowd, there were still concerns about “what happens next.” A Course in Miracles chimed in from the sidelines, declaring that death is merely “another illusion”—more like changing the movie playing on the screen of your mind than actually leaving the cinema.
Meanwhile, existential philosophers were seen scratching their heads in confusion from the back row, while a Buddhist monk calmly nodded in agreement with Death’s claims, murmuring about samsara and reincarnation.
“I’m tired of being misunderstood,” Death continued. “I don’t end anything. I merely offer the service of transition. Want to leave the boring rerun of life and dive into something new? That’s where I come in. Think of me as your cosmic Uber driver.” He smiled (or tried to, it’s unclear), and added, “I always arrive precisely on time.”
Before the press conference ended, Death was asked if he had any advice for those still afraid of his arrival. “Yes,” he said. “Relax. Think of it as upgrading from black-and-white TV to 4K. Sure, you don’t know what to expect, but man, those colors are going to blow your mind. Literally.”
In other news, philosophers and spiritual teachers have now turned their attention to a new mystery: what happens after the upgrade? Stay tuned—this is a journey that never truly ends.
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*Disclaimer: No humans were permanently harmed during the making of this news article. Consult your local metaphysical expert for more information on your next life upgrade.